"I Had My 'Bump On The Head' 'See-Myself-In-New-Light’ Moment Last Week… I Did A Boudoir Shoot!"

Do you want to see a beautiful woman? Ask her to fall in love with HERSELF.

Have you ever noticed in most Hollywood romantic comedies the woman main character usually has some epiphany or challenge to overcome before she truly sees herself?

I’m thinking of Anne Hathaway in “The Devil Wears Prada”, when she started wearing new designer clothes, got a new hair style, makeup and rewarding job, she gained a confidence she didn’t know she had. And more recently the movie “I Feel Pretty.” — It’s with Amy Shumer and she (not so gracefully) hits her head and wakes up thinking she’s the most beautiful woman in the world...

Epiphanies, life changing realizations — In both movies the women end up realizing their roots and the glamour/image is gone but the confidence is still there... they were beautiful from the beginning; they just didn’t see it in themselves.

Hi, I’m Amy. Not Shumer, but still had the same epiphany.... the only difference between those movies and my life is that I’m not a Hollywood movie, I’m real life. In fact, I’m actually kind of a shit show.... if I had a month or an open mic night, I’d tell you all about it while making fun of myself.

That’s my defense. I’ll make fun of me first so you don’t have the opportunity. It’s been a solid plan/way of life for 37 years, until now.

I had my ‘bump on the head’ ‘see-myself-in-new-light’ moment last week. I did a boudoir shoot — Hold on, lets rewind:

My life since 2017 has been an absolute nightmare-roller coaster — I lost my mom after a SIX week battle with cancer, lost my best friend and her daughters because of a drunk driver, survived sexual assault, lost my grandpa, moved twice, lost jobs, had cancer, lost more family members to death and toxicity, and then to top it off, on my birthday this year, my husband left me.

See, total shit show. To say I’ve been lost, defeated and depressed would be an understatement.

However, I’ve always said this is a season of life not a definition of who I am. I feel like I’m in the slump montage scene of my life movie most days, but I also have a lot of good days. Since my latest blow, becoming hella single, I’ve kind of been forced into learning who I truly am.

I’ve never had to do life completely alone. I’ve either had my mom or a husband telling me and guiding me through every obstacle life can throw, they carried my burdens... but in the last 4 months I can genuinely say I’ve learned how capable I am without help, I’ve surprised myself. I’ve moved mountains I thought were permanent fixtures in my life. I’ve gained independence and proven to myself that I am able, willing and capable of LIFE!  Go me, right?!

You’d think that would be enough, that I’d be happy and just walkin’ through life like a BOSS... no. Not even remotely close.

At the end of the day when I go to bed alone I shame myself. I could have a wonderful day, fulfilling duties of being the only lover and discipliner of my children, paying bills as the only provider, kicking ass at work, handling homework, dinner, sports, daily stresses and every other chore. Then there’s my DIY project obsession, OCD cleaning and organization.... everything! On. My. Own. 100%!

But at the end of even the best day, I still found something wrong with myself! I’m not even going to go into my self inflicted insults. I don’t want to give them the power of repeating, but they’re the thoughts that creep up when you’re wanting to sleep, when you’re showering or having one moment of solidarity...

You see, my gift in life is to be good to people, I will give a stranger the shirt off my back if I think they need it or will look better in it than I do. I’ll open doors, unload your groceries and take your cart back just so you don’t have to! I will bend over backwards for you the minute we meet. I don’t even know you but I super love you and want to give you the world!!!

A couple weeks ago my stupid brain decided to ask itself a question instead of sleep... the most difficult question I’ve ever asked myself: “Why the hell are you incapable of giving yourself the same compassion and grace and LOVE as you give a perfect stranger?”

Whoa, brain. Settle down. But it’s true, I am so hard on myself! Even in my successes I see failure. I guess part of that is human nature but in my soul I knew it was much more than that.

I, Amy, didn’t love myself.

I love the stranger in the Wal-Mart parking lot more than I love me.

That’s an issue....

So, I decided I needed to see myself differently, I needed to look at myself from a different point of view. I booked a boudoir appointment.

Why in the world would this change anything? Well, I’ve done similar photoshoots before and I know how it feels. Professional hair, makeup and beautiful lingerie was bound to make me good right? I decided to go with Brittany and Mike because they constantly profess their love for women and I needed that...

There is no way I could have prepared myself for what was about to happen. I legitimately went into it with the mindset that I just needed to feel pretty, look at myself in a new light, one of confidence instead of failure.

There was one huge difference that automatically set this apart from any other shoot though, this was 100% for me. No man attached to it. This wasn’t a revenge f-you shoot, or a gift, or a F off 2017... this was 100% for ME, Amy, no strings attached.

I knew what I wanted but I also know me — so I prepared my words, jokes, and (funny) insults. I was ready to beat myself up, call out my insecurities in humor and pray the photoshop Gods were working overtime.

You guys, something happened the moment I walked through the doors. My sad montage scene started to play uplifting music and it was like the clouds visibly disappeared, it’s so cliché, of course that happened right? There is no truer statement than ‘life is uncertain’, however I am certain that something changed in me the moment I walked in.

Somehow, through the magic of their lenses, the beauty of the women holding the cameras, the passion in their creation, and their undeniable love for women, when I got in font of that camera those attributes came out in me, and later when I viewed my photos I saw a side of me I’d never allowed myself to see. I didn’t know this person existed.

I saw me, finally, ME! Because of them. This is crazy but I feel like they photographed my soul. I saw beauty in these pictures that I’ve never seen in the mirror. I sat there and cried. The tears were healing, they weren’t sad, they were profound and restoring.

The tears released the hatred I have for myself and flowed as I allowed myself to fall in love, no walls, no judgments. Me for me. In that moment I decided I was worthy of SELF love, not defined by a man or success — defined by ME.

It was the first time in 37 years I consciously recognized that I was looking at myself and feeling love.

This wasn’t an experience; it was a milestone. This was my movie quality, life changing epiphany magic moment.  It’s something I didn’t know needed to be on my bucket list but absolutely needed to be the number 1 thing. I needed to love myself!

I’m brought to tears again while I’m writing this. What a gift! In reality, there was no magic, or bump on the head or life changing career move that made me realize I’m worthy of my own love, I just had to see myself through someone else’s eyes. I am worthy of loving myself!!! I am so much more than my struggles and setbacks.

The true gift is not the pictures I have but the discovery and realization that it is a wonderful feeling to love yourself.

I’m grateful that this was my “bump on the head” moment of clarity. I’ve decided to make some changes, I’m working on exuding confidence instead of humor at my own expense all the time, I am still me though... I’ll still make fun of myself; I’ll still tell my crazy stories and hope to make someone laugh or brighten their day-

I’m going to say something now and passionately hope you hear me (my eyes are closed, lips tucked in tight, fists clenched, shaking my head side to side- you seriously need to hear this!) we are all wonderfully, fearfully, beautifully and perfectly made!

You are uniquely you. There is no better version of you, you’re it!!! Your insecurities are what everyone else sees as beauty. You are worthy. You are capable of loving yourself and you are so damn important and deserving!!!! You define you. YOU get to define you!

I’m going to give myself the same love, kindness, compassion and grace I give so freely to strangers. If we’re not capable of loving ourselves are we truly capable loving anyone? Put you first. Give yourself grace and compassion. Fall in love with your beauty, it is amazing and perfectly unique to you, allow yourself to look at you through the eyes (or lens) of someone who sees your true beauty. You deserve it. You’re beautiful, all the time!!!

It was a milestone of a day. It wasn’t a boudoir experience; it was redefining life moment.

I am forever grateful.

Do it, I dare you, I dare you to fall in love with yourself.

All my love, beauties.

-Amy

Check out more stories, photos, and Bella Rosa Boudoir updates by joining our Private LADIES ONLY Facebook group here.