I’M NOT JUST "THE SKINNY GIRL"

I’ve always been skinny. And to other women “I'm lucky” but I never felt that way growing up. I was constantly made fun of for my bird legs, no curves, little breasts, and lanky arms. I was bombarded with people telling me “it must be nice” but at the same time they were judging what I looked like. 

It felt as if my insecurities were not good enough, like they didn't have merit. As if my self-defeated attitude wasn’t bad enough, I also had to shoulder the weight of others opinions. And with that insecurity, came the guilt. Why was I complaining about my flaws? Were they better or worse than the other woman around me feeling poorly about themselves?

In that moment, I stopped complaining. I had NO support from other women. I had no one lifting me up. Feeling guilty, while also being unhappy with yourself, is a combination of emotions that leads to two things: depression and anger. Because it is easier to be angry, my heart grew very cold towards other women, always wondering if they were going to judge me before they even knew me, so I put up a wall. 

That wall stayed up for years. I didn’t have any self-confidence. I had nothing positive to give to other women, so I spoke badly about them and crushed their happiness with my own negativity. You know that saying, “misery loves company.” I was its poster child. Too many years passed with me refusing to do the work internally to accept myself, so I made enemies instead of friends. But I was okay with that, because it meant I was protecting myself, right?

Wrong! I became willing to give pieces of myself away. Trying to fill myself with things that would make me happy, at the moment. Bad relationships, drugs, sleeping around, it didn’t hurt anyone but ME. I couldn’t love who I was and was so angry at the world for not seeing past what I looked like on the outside, I fell into a vicious cycle of self-hatred and sabotage.

I would love to say my husband freed me from these issues or my beautiful son I had at 25, but that would be a lie. If anything, it became worse. Why does this man love ME? Because when you can’t come from a place of love, it’s virtually impossible to freely give it. And after having a baby, it just got worse. My body had changed so much but ALL I heard was, “wow you lost all the weight, you’re so skinny.” Again, I was being led down the path, that I didn’t have the right to complain or feel unsure about my body. 

I wanted to cry all the time but my anger just used other outlets to keep me “protected.” But then something happened. I can’t pinpoint that moment or tell you it was a sky opening epiphany, but one day it just clicked. And a huge part of that revelation came directly from my boudoir shot with Bella Rosa.

The fear that we as women walk around with wondering if we're pretty enough or prettier than 'her' or worth anything because we have flaws is a real issue that affects millions of us. Every single woman has insecurities, every single woman has fears and we need to raise each other up and value one another, not just because of our looks but because of our hearts! 

I am “The Skinny Girl” and I no longer apologize for that. Not out of anger but out of the love I feel for myself now. I went from being a cold-hearted woman, who was constantly covering herself with shame and fear, to understanding that we need to embrace one another unconditionally but more importantly embrace ourselves! It is okay to be in love with you! These sessions with Bella Rosa continue to add strength in my walk, because hurt people hurt people and I want to break those chains, not only for me but for women around me. 

We feel nerves before doing a photoshoot because we are faced head-on with our own demons. We have to step out of a comfort zone we’ve built for ourselves and look into the eyes of those insecurities head-on. And until you take that chance, until you look deep into your soul and see past those flaws, you cannot grow. Growing is uncomfortable and I will not lie and say I wasn’t terrified for both of the Bella Rosa sessions, but when you are done, when you walk out of that studio, your inner goddess is roaring with more power than some have EVER felt. 

When we love who we are, inside and out, we begin to see past the flaws of the people around us. The women around us begin to shine and we are literally blinded by the things that make them special. We begin to have compassion and empathy for their struggles and insecurities and in turn, we offer them a pillar of strength and hope, to know they are not alone and they are LOVED. Our individual journeys are special and important but if I’ve learned anything from mine, it’s that the journey we take together provides the brightest sun on the darkest day. 

I’m not just The Skinny Girl, I am a woman who has the opportunity every day to love herself and better yet, share that love with all the women around me. I am worthy.

Check out more stories, photos, and Bella Rosa Boudoir updates by following us on Facebook here.